After Midnight By Kadi Rated: NC17

Disclaimer: TPTB screwed it up royally, so much so that now even I don't want to claim it... but lets see what we can do to fix it.

Notes: For Caffey, who threat--uh encouraged me to finish this, and to not be afraid to try doing something different. And for JinnyR without whom this would have ended up just another UFS on a disk full of them. Thanks ladies, and as always, BIG HUGGLES!!!

I go out walking, after midnight, out in the moonlight, just like we used to do. I'm always walking, after midnight, searching for you.... -Patsy Cline

~~~Kathryn~~~

In the night, where the shadows begin and cold seeps so deeply into your bones that not even the hottest of fires could warm you. This is when the demons come. They invade your mind as surely as a sword invading your body. They are the mistakes, the memories best forgotten, and the what-might-have-been's. They chase away sleep and happiness, until all that remains is your own loneliness, and the feeling that you've failed. I cannot remember the last time I slept through the night. It's been too long. Almost so that I can barely remember how good it felt to curl into a ball and pull the blankets up to my chin, forget about everything and loose myself in dreams until the sun began to slowly seep into my windows. No, maybe that isn't exactly true, I do remember the last time I slept a whole night. It was the night before we got home, afterwards, when I learned of them, when I saw it with my own eyes. That was when my world came crashing around my boots, and since then all I've had to keep me company is my own personal failure.

I tried to heal myself byre-immersing myself with my family; I spent more than a month in my mother's home. I spent time with my sister and the nieces and nephews born in my absence, as well as the extraordinary man that she married. But spending time with her family only served to remind me of the things missing from my own life, things I put off until it was too late. Chakotay. Just the thought or mention of his name sends a pain searing through my heart, one so strong it steals my breath and sends tears pooling in my eyes.

I couldn't stand it any longer, gods help me I love my family, but the reminder was too painful. I left my mother's house and found a small home on the outskirts of San Francisco. I had months of leave remaining, but I wanted to be in a location that would make travel convenient when I went back to work. Work. Even that no longer holds any appeal. It's just a thing, just something to occupy my mind during the daylight hours.

I have learned though, in the last few weeks, that when night falls and the walls of my small house begin to close in, it is best just to leave. So I begin walking, from the first moment the moon rises until the first rays of sunlight begin to dance across the sky. And during these late, or early hours, depending on how you look at it, it occurs to me, we used to do this together. Not in the moonlight, but aboard Voyager. In the late hours of night when we couldn't sleep, and there was nothing to do, we would tour the ship together. We walked from bridge to Engineering, deck-by-deck, section-by-section until only a few short hours remained before our shift would begin. Our midnight tours became rare in recent years, but I know that at least I regarded them as special. We never actually had to talk; it was enough just to have the companionship of a friend, someone who understood what was in your head, or heart as the case might have been. And then we began to drift apart. We spoke less, spent increasingly less amounts of time together. Then we didn't speak at all. I pulled away from you first. I realize that, probably too late, because when I was ready again, you were no longer there for me.

Why is it we always realize the mistakes in our lives when its too late to correct them? Why also is it that we can never stop remembering, or wondering what might have been. Why can't the dead just die? Why can't I just move on with my life.

I often ask myself, did I drive you into this relationship with her? Is this some form of revenge against the years of rejection that I dealt to you? Or am I too self-centered and selfish to simply be happy for you? These are the things I ask myself out herein the darkness. What am I lo0king for out here? Perhaps I'm always out here, walking after midnight, searching for you. If that's the case, then Chakotay, where are you?

~~~Chakotay~~~

I lost myself, for a while at least. I wound myself so completely around the idea of what I wanted that I inevitably lost my way. It was as if I woke up one morning and could no longer remember why I was doing the things that I was doing. And then I realized that you were gone, and I floundered, not knowing where you were, or how to reach you. That was when I realized that I was doing all the right things for all the wrong reasons, with the wrong person. And now here I am, searching for you in an abyss of souls, too proud to admit my mistakes, and too proud to ask where you are. Every night my heart cries out, Kathryn where are you?

And so once again I allow my heart to take over where my head has failed me. I'm listening to it, probably for the first time in several years. I allow my current solitude to soothe my soul. I know you're out there, your soul beckoning to mine to find you. And so I follow where it leads me, day after day, and night after night, knowing that when we are ready, we shall find each other. Even if for now all that I have found is a lovely stranger who I must get to know. And hopefully in her, I shall one day find you and a love that I can only hope has not yet passed us by.

~~~The Bench~~~

I shouldn't be surprised. And really to tell you the truth I wasn't. He's as much a stranger to me today as he was the first time I laid eyes on him. And the more I speak to him, the more I realize I never really knew that much about him. And that just makes me feel all the more worse for wear. I told him about my life, my family, but I never asked him about his. I suppose I could have, instead of just assuming that he didn't want to discuss it. He has a sister, who would have thought it. I certainly didn't. I thought his family was dead, save a cousin. Maybe it's time that I learned I don't know nearly as much as I think that I do. Not even about myself. And sadly it appears through all our years of friendship and camaraderie we have remained two ships passing in the night. But no more, now is the time to rectify that...

"A nickel for your thoughts."

"A penny," I smile, and look up to greet him as he approaches what has now become our bench. "A penny for my thoughts. I was just enjoying the moonlight." It wasn't far from the truth, it was a beautiful night out, it was warm for San Francisco but there was a gentle breeze stirring in the air. "And thinking of you." He smiles shyly, showing off those dimples I have grown to adore so much.

"Really?" He sits beside me, and though I turn my attention back to the small pond before us, I can feel his eyes on me.

"Really." I glance at him; "I was just thinking that meeting you here each day is like getting to know a whole new person. And then I realized that three weeks have passed since we first found this spot."

His lips curve upward, and I love the way his eyes twinkle. "But there's something else on your mind, I can see it in your eyes."

How could I have forgotten, he knows me all too well, possibly better than I would have ever admitted. Well, before now that is. "Yes there is something else." But I stare at the pond and offer nothing else. Suddenly all the courage I've been building today has left me.

Damnit I hate it when she does that. Just when she is about to admit something, or tell me something she withdrawals. Her eyes dim and her body stiffens and then it's gone. The mood, the feeling, the laughter, all of it disappears as though sucked into an invisible black hole. The anger builds in me, that she is doing this now. Now when we have come so damned far she is pulling away and throwing the mask in place. We promised each other openness. Perhaps I should leave. Maybe I was wrong, maybe all of this is just wrong, and I was kidding myself to think that we still had a chance.

"I'm sorry."

I stop in mid-movement and stare at her face. Her eyes are downcast, and I can see just the faintest hint of tears shining in the moonlight. She is struggling with something. "Kathryn what is it." I sit again, closer to her this time. Our thighs press against one another and I can feel the heat of her body spreading through me like a fire. A fire I suppress. Now is not the time. Patience, that is a mantra I find myself continuously repeating. It would be so damned easy just to grab her by the hair of the head and drag her off into the nearest damned shrub and show her what we've both been missing for seven damned years. But she deserves more than that, and so do I. For all that she has hurt me, she has been hurt too. And as much as I would like to demand, and rail to the moon. I cannot. I must not. I could lose her forever if I'm not too careful.

Dear gods in heaven above if he doesn't stop doing that I'm going to have to throw him onto the ground and--Patience old girl. I keep telling myself that. But my god I have wanted him for too long. But how dare I throw myself at him and suddenly declare it all right for us to be together after the hell that I have put him through. His hand is on my thigh now, but he is concerned for me, I can see it in his eyes. Dear god those eyes... My own eyes trail to his lips, they're moving but suddenly I really don't give a damn about what is coming out of them.

"Kathryn... " She looks up at me again, and her tongue darts out to moisten her lips. But her eyes are on fire, and suddenly she reminds me of a predator. She shifts against me and my hand slips up her thigh, I squeeze it on instinct, and her whimper sears through my soul like a disruptor beam. Then I realize we're both shaking, and she's leaning toward me.

"Chakotay..." Her breath is hot against my lips.

"Yes..." I can almost taste her, just one more moment.

"Walk me home." I stop for only a moment, then my hand slides from her thigh to her side and I grasp her hand.

I pull her with me, away from the bench, through the night. Neither of us saying a word, but suddenly the cool air of night has turned electric. There is a charge to it that neither of us cares to analyze. We have but one thought, one focus. I am thankful she lives close by, because if I don't get her home soon I'm going to take her against the nearest tree, and spirits help us both but its not going to be gentle.

The heat searing up my arm from our joined hands frightens me, yet sends a jolt through my body. Butterflies churn in my stomach, but the anticipation of what is coming is already pooling between my thighs. I can feel his body vibrating next to me as we walk, and thankfully no words are spoken. I can feel the storm just beneath his control, and each step closer to my small home is one step closer to it being completely lost. The thought of it, of him, the power in that muscled body sends a chill down my spine.

I realize, with a blush, that my hands are shaking as I lift them to unlock my front door. He is standing behind me, his chest pressing against my back, the heat of his body coursing through me like a fire. I gasp as he leans into me, reaching around me to steady my hands with his own. Not from the action, but from the feel of his arousal pressing firmly into me. At the same moment the locking mechanism switches off I arch into him, moaning his name. I begin to turn at the same moment he reaches for me, and I would swear that as his lips find mine there is an audible snap. The last of his control has just shattered around us, and god help me I want it all.

A thought briefly enters my head as I push her backward into the house. The first goddamned thing I'm going to do when I get finished with her is trim every single damned one of those nails biting into my shoulder. But that thought is quickly forgotten as I twist her around and press her firm against the wall. I'll have to apologize for ripping her blouse open later. But right now if I don't have her I'm going to kill us both...

Good god if he doesn't get a move on I'm going to have to shoot him. Shit I must have said it out loud.

"If you insist Kathryn..." Gods that sounded almost feral... it was feral... And I didn't mean to pop the buttons off his shirt. I love that shirt, screw it I'll sew them back myself. If I'm alive later that is. And considering we're both going so fast right now we'll have to do this again later, I seriously hope I'm alive. And for crying out loud I'm going to scream if he doesn't...

I never would have imagined Kathryn as the vocal type, but my ears are going to be ringing for days. Spirits I've barely touched her, hardly even kissed her, and despite the fact that I was hardly gentle my fingers found their home within her with perfect ease. She is more responsive than I would have ever imagined, arching and twisting against me. And if the little minx bites me again I'm going to...

I can see it in his eyes, the flash of violence. My teeth find his nipple again and he grips at my thighs, his fingers withdrawal from me and it takes everything to hold back a whimper at that loss. Then suddenly the butterflies are back. Chakotay would never hurt me, gods I know that, but the anticipation of having him inside of me is bubbling up from the inside out.

She is shaking, but her hips arch, and she slides along my length nearly sending us both to our knees. Her nails are sinking into my shoulders again, but this time I really don't give a damn. She's tugging at me and I know what she wants.

He knows, and he's teasing me, sliding himself along my aching skin. The bastard, I'll get him for that later.

I give in, finally, and she gets exactly what she wants. If her cries are any indication we're both going to be a little sore later. I should probably try just a little harder to control myself. But I never dreamed that she would be so tight, or feel so damned good. Neither of us is going to last long like this. But we can worry about later. Right now I have exactly what I need, and I am never going to let go.

The end is near, arching upward like a tidal wave over us. His arms are tightening around me, crushing me against him and nothing has ever felt so good. It is then that I decide to let go. I close my eyes and hand myself over to him so absolutely completely that if I believed in clichés I would say the earth moved. I would bet he felt too, if the way he is slamming into me is any indication. And then we are there, together, and the warm rush spreads through me, caressing my soul and healing my heart. It's really too bad we didn't make it to the bed because now the only place to go is the floor, so we slide down the wall and he pulls me into his lap. Funny, I haven't been held in any man's lap since I was child. And I don't think I've ever felt as safe, or loved since. For now I think I'll just sit here and enjoy it. As long as he isn't complaining, neither am I.

I can't say how long we've been sitting like this, only that my legs are starting to go numb. I wouldn't have thought about moving, at least not for a while longer, except that she is shivering. She's not saying a word, simply burrowing closer to me. I wrap my arms just a little tighter around her and look up for the first time since we entered her home. Sunlight is streaming in through the windows, casting shadows on the floor around us. I smile, and rise slowly, Kathryn tucked firmly to my chest. Suddenly I want nothing more than to carry her to bed and keep her there all day. And then perhaps tonight we'll take a walk, probably sometime after midnight, and sit on our bench...

"... And watch the moonbeams dance across the pond, content that we're no longer just two ships passing in the night."

I can feel her lips curving against my neck as she finishes my thought, and I know that she is smiling, I can feel it. She points me toward her bedroom and I take us there, setting us into her bed, now ours.

"I love you," You know, I really have no idea who just said that. But at the moment I really don't think it matters. It simply is. After seven years of simply passing each other by we are finally in the same place, at the same time. It's going to be a beautiful day, and an even better night. Perhaps I'll even let him take me for a walk through the park, we just might have to try out one of those trees. But it will have to wait until after midnight.

The End...