Just Once
by Kadi
Rated NC-17

Disclaimer: They're mine, they're all mine! Well the words are, the characters sadly enough aren't... sucks don't it.

Author's Note: This wasn't intended to go the way of NC, but in fic I suppose anything goes when feeling is involved. This one is for my PIC, because while my rose has started to wilt, I hope the rest never does.

There were tears stinging her eyes, making their blue depths shine despite the sadness pooled in their depths. She shook her head slowly and sighed. "Just once Chakotay, that was all I wanted. Just once for you too put your foot down and tell me that you loved me. Just once for you to say that you
couldn't live without me anymore. Just once I wanted you to charge in here and give me something worth throwing away all my principals for. All you've done since we met tie your feelings up into carefully woven stories and a friendship I wouldn't sacrifice for anything. All I ever wanted was to know
that you were indeed there for me the way I thought you were. And never once in the last seven years have you stood before me and asked me if I would be with you. You never asked me on a date, you never so much as tried to hold my hand. And all you ever had to do, was do any of those things, just once." He opened his mouth to protest but she held up a hand and cut him off, "No, don't tell me that I was wrong, hearing you never loved me would destroy me, and if you still do I don't think I could bare to hear it now either. Not when so much has happened. Not when so much has come between us. I don't think knowing now what I do that I could in good conscience be with you. And I couldn't stand it later if you decided it was a mistake. Because once I committed to you that would be it, I wouldn't be able to turn back, and this friendship of ours is too important to me to lose. I need it, I need you. And
I will take you in my life anyway I can get you." She turned away from him when the tears began to slide down her cheeks, unwilling to allow him to see them. "I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention to burden you with this. I can see that I've hurt you. That has never been my intention. I just needed to let
you know where I stand. Just once I needed to speak what was in my heart and on my mind." She closed her eyes against the tears and let the stars shining in through the viewport bathe her face in starlight. She heard him move, and knew without speaking a word that he was leaving her. Her face dropped and her shoulders shook as a sob bubbled up and escaped her, the heartbreaking sound vibrating off the walls of her cabin. Then without warning she felt his hands on her shoulders, sliding down her arms. Then he was wrapping his arms around her and her chest constricted as her body went rigid. "Oh god, don't. Don't do that if you don't mean it." She tried to push him away but he held
her firmly in place. "Please?" It came out as a tormented whisper.

His voice was shaking as he began to speak, but it wasn't pain in his words, it was barely controlled rage. "Just once I wanted you to come to me and tell me I wasn't a fool for loving you. Just once to say that my faith wasn't blindly given. Just once I wanted you to lock the door to your ready room and
let me make love to you on your desk. Just once I wanted you to tell me you didn't feel like dinner and let me carry you to your bed. And every day I wanted while you pulled further away from me until all that remained was a dying ember of something I was tired of hiding. All I had left was the pain
of constant ignorance, unspoken rejection. I got tired of waiting for you to tell me that you were human, that you were a woman, and that I could have you if I just waited another day, week, even a year while you worked out all the reasons why and came to terms with the fact that you wanted me as much as I wanted you. Just once I wanted to hear that I meant something to you. But spirits you run hot and cold and I never knew what to expect from you. There were many times I was ready to haul you up against the bulkhead and fuck your brains out but I didn't because I loved you. Heaven help me I still do." His face turned inward and he inhaled her scent. His lips brushed her neck as he spoke again, "I could make love to you right now, and in the morning I would walk away if you told me to. I would still love you but, and I don't know if I could forgive you, but I would do it. I would be with you, just once, if that's what you wanted." His arms tightened around her, "But dear god Kathryn don't make me hurt like that." His teeth grazed the soft skin of her neck and all the rage flowing in his veins disintegrated. "We've hurt each other, we've both waited for things that never would have happened. We've been fools. You wanted to hear it just once, and if that's all that you ever ask of me so be it. I love you. I've never wanted anything like I want you. I have never loved anyone the way I love you. I will never love like this again." She struggled against him again and he let her go.

Her cheeks were tear streaked as she looked at him, and there was something akin to hope shining in her eyes. So rare was it that he hardly recognized it. "Then stop talking about it you idiot and kiss me like you mean it." The words were barely out of her mouth and she was reaching for him.

He met her half way and crushed her to his chest, his hands were tangled in her hair, holding her head solidly before him as he assaulted her lips. But it was a sweet assault as their tongues dueled not for control, but for the chance to test, taste, and take all they could from each other. It was a hunger born of seven years denial, hurt, and love locked away while the soul pined to be set free.

Her knees buckled and he was there to catch her, his arms weaving around her waist surely as he had woven his way into her heart. The kiss broke for a moment and she looked up at him, "This may not be right... but just once,"she moaned as his lips closed once more over her mouth, cutting off her
words. He lifted her and carried her away from the view port and into the bedroom. And never breaking the kiss he lowered her to the bed, his hands quickly working the uniforms away from their bodies. When she lay beneath him, bare to his eyes and his touch, his lips began a path down the side of
her neck. His teeth nipped and grazed, pulling moans and cries from her throat. She was arching against him, grinding her pelvis against his erection. Then cried out as his mouth closed over her nipple. She bucked against him buried her hands in his hair as his tongue began to tease her. He rolled to the pebbled nub around, grazing it with his teeth, only to finally pull it between and hold it still while his tongue darted across it. She cried out and arched against him, he simply grinned, and giving the aching
nipple an affectionate bite, he lifted his head and captured her mouth again.

His hands snaked up her thighs, caressing and massaging her inner thighs while his hands darted dangerously closer to her wet center. She arched against him in response, and rolled her hips toward his seeking fingers. His lips curved into a smile against her skin as his fingers lightly stroked the aroused flesh, earning him a keening cry from above. She arched against him again and he drew circles in the moisture of her swollen lips, stopping just short of caressing her swollen, sensitive nub. While he teased her with his fingers, his lips were once again moving down her body, leaving a moist trail across her stomach. His tongue darted around her naval, tickling her, then his teeth pulled the flesh just above her silken curls into his mouth and he left his mark on her. If he had to walk away, he wanted her to remember.

Then without hesitation his arms curled beneath her thighs and he pulled her wide while his lips caressed her swollen lips. She rolled her hips against him while moaning in frustration and this time he indulged her. His tongue swept outward to caress her, stroking her thoroughly, tasting her, taking all
she had. He worked her until she was bucking against him, and when he would have let her climax against his mouth she pushed him away. Then she tugged at him, and pulled him up her body. She curled a hand behind his head and drew it down, moaning at the taste of herself on his lips and tongue. She arched then and rubbed herself along his swollen erection. Then she drew her knees up and opened herself to him.

His hands swept up her sides and taking her wrists in his hands he lifted them over her head and intertwined their fingers. Only then did he rock forward, slowly sliding into her. He wanted to go slowly, take his time savoring the feel of her, tight and wet around him. But she moved and he nearly lost all control. He nipped at her lips with his teeth, his eyes on her face as he began to move within her, sliding hard and deep into her body with each thrust. She met each one, rolling her hips against him until they were both panting and all semblance of rhythm was lost in heat and sensation. She bucked against each hard thrust, driving him harder and faster until her cries were lost in his kiss. When she began to tense around him he buried his face in her neck, and when her body buckled and clenched around him he let go, spilling his release into her.

They collapsed as one amidst a tangle of sheets, limbs and mumbled words. And when he would have left, she other curled inward, snuggling against him, wrapping herself into his warmth. He waited a heart beat, then two, then three. When her lips grazed his shoulder he drew a coverlet over them. And as they drifted into sleep, wrapped in each others arms, they knew this night would be more than just once.

Fin~